The Certainty in My Future

I didn’t always know I wanted to be a teacher. Honestly, that never even crossed my mind for the longest time. My Mom would tell me when I was younger that I would make a great teacher, but I never put much thought into the idea. The older I grew, though, the more and more I grew out of the things I had always thought I wanted to do (art), and unintentionally, at the same time, I grew to love kids. Funnily enough, when the time came around to decide, it was almost a no-brainer for me. And now, a couple years later, it is now a no-brainer for me to go into not only education, but special education.

I just got off the phone with my mom. Rewind about 8 hours ago, I was walking into my elementary school that I have been a teacher's assistant in for just over a year now. This is a requirement for my major (elementary ed), but, I have come to love it more than anything, and it is absolutely the highlight of my week. Walking around that campus, I feel happy, I feel in-place, I feel at home. Before I could even get one full sentence out to her, I was bawling my eyes out- ugly cry/talking. I was explaining to her about a progress report test that I got to sit in on with a kindergartner. That kindergartner was so happy, so bright and so playful. You would never believe it if I said that kindergartner was actually deaf and had a tube attached to his throat that he eats and breathes through, and communicates everything through his iPad and his 24/7 nurse. I held it together during the interview, of course, but I didn’t stop thinking about it, and when I revisited it while talking to my mom I lost it. This is a pattern for me. This is usually what happens in and or around those sorts of situations.

It’s funny, because these types of scenarios, naturally, make me SO sad. And a lot of times people stay away from things that make them sad. And that is understandable. At the same time though, I think it makes me super sad because I am super passionate about it. And maybe sad isn’t the right word. Maybe it's more of a feeling of desire. Desire to learn more, to make connections with those of disabilities and to befriend them, and ultimately to change their life the most I can. Whatever the case be, it is an unexplainable feeling I feel. If I could ask the Universe or God one question, it would be something along the lines of “What did they (people of disabilities) do differently than me before they were born, that they have to live the rest of their lives in such a way, while I get to live such a prosperous life of fun and excitement and opportunity?”

I always say that I believe everybody has their thing. Everybody has that one thing that pulls at their heartstrings most, against all other ‘things’ in this life. For some that is animals, the homeless epidemic, the opioid epidemic, mental health, equality, refugees, police injustice, etc. And for each thing, I hope that every person does something in their lifetime where they work for or towards that thing, and at the end, they feel fulfilled. For me, I have come to realize that mine is people of disabilities. I think back on all of the life I have experienced so far and I know that children have always pulled at my heartstrings, but, more-so, I know that children of disability have always pulled at my heartstrings more than anything in the world. I reflect and I know that that question above has popped into my mind the most. I reflect and I know that this profession is absolutely the one that at the end of my time, I will look back on and know there was no other thing that could have made me feel more fulfilled.

If I do become a special ed teacher, or something along those lines, I have a lot of work to do. I have to change my mindset. I have to see the positives in that occupation and understand that I would be doing the most I could be out of any other occupation in the world. I also have to come to terms with the fact that I cannot feel sad for them, nor their families. I think where I struggle most is not with how I perceive them, of course, but I worry about how the rest of the world perceives them; for the world can be so cold. What I have to remind myself is, in day to day life and on days like today, that I can only control myself and how I act in this world, not anybody else. And what is beautiful about that is, I know in my lifetime, I will be somebodies one-in-a-million. And somebodies one-in-a-million, in a world as cold yet as wonderful as this, is all I could ever ask for.