My Personal Tug of War

I struggle. I struggle a lot. Not with anxiety, not with insecurity, not with any of the typical issues. Not with an issue that would be seen by society as a negative one. Many don't even understand how this is a "struggle" to me. But, I have this constant tug of war embedded in my head of whether or not I am living my life to its utmost potential. I wonder each day if I did absolutely everything I could have, if I saw all of the sights I could have seen in 24 hours, talked to all of the people, met up with all of the friends, pet all of the dogs, etc. Essentially, I struggle a lot with the idea of work versus play.

If I sleep in past 6am, I feel as though my day is ruined. Every second I spend inside while it is daylight outside, I feel is a second wasted. Each destination I drive to I feel is a perfectly good, beautiful bike ride or walk lost. Each day I don't get to the beach I feel is a day left incomplete. Every sunset missed is a sunset misspent. I go back and forth with myself about why I am paying so much money to go to a school so far away from home when sometimes I don't even feel like I am utilizing being here as much as I should, and I always think that I could be doing the same things I am here, closer to home, for much cheaper. I struggle because I know how important happiness is, and the things that distract me from my school work are the things that make me happiest. Sometimes I even wonder why I am in school, and why I'm not just traveling and seeing the world like I so badly want. And so forth. It is a constant back and forth debate, with myself.

At home, I would go to the beach for the sunrise, go home get ready for my day, go back to the beach before work, go to work, then have a bag packed so right after work I could go directly (back) to the beach, and I would not come home until the sun has fully set and the sky is totally black, then repeat. At school, I leave my apartment around 7am everyday and do not allow myself to come back until the sun has set, although it usually ends up being later anyway. This is such a wonderful routine and way of life. It makes me feel so present and alive and fulfilled. In fact, so many people praise me for it and ask how I do it. But, in living my life like this, it leaves me very little time for all of the other things, the essentials, I need to get done- schoolwork, chores, cooking, running errands, seeing friends and family, breathing. I try to squeeze all of this stuff in, and I have become very skilled at my scheduling to accomplish that goal, but it is truly not healthy nor beneficial for me. I am starting to realize that this mindset, as amazing as it is, is setting me up for failure- in my schoolwork and my mental health.

But I am trying, this year, to allow myself to just be. I am trying to allow myself to sit in my room and get work done and not feel like I am missing out on life. I am trying to accept the fact that sometimes I need to just do nothing all day but focus on my schoolwork. I am trying to allow myself to be home more.

All my life I have overextended myself by bitting off more than I can chew, but then actually "chewing" all of it. In a way, it is a satisfying sense of accomplishment, seeing how much I can squeeze into one day, then doing it all, and repeating this constantly, adding more and more on. So, I am now focusing on trying my hardest to live this way in moderation- to still get to the beach and explore and adventure as much as possible, but when I have work to finish or things to study for, not to cram too much in my day and just do that- WITHOUT FEELING BAD OR GUILTY ABOUT MYSELF FOR IT. I am trying to be kinder and gentler to myself.

And I mean, this lil setup isn't a bad place to start spending more time<3